I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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