One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
