I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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