I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
