Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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