I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
