Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
