So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
