my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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