Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
