I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
