Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
