New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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