I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
