I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
