my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
