Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
