If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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