My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
