Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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