You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
