Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
