My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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