You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
