happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
