My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
