Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
