proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
