There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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