so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
