I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
