somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
