my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
