Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
