corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
