Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
