Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
