He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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