like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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