my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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