He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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