Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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