Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
