When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
