But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
