Say something about gay babies.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
