It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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