i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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