What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
