the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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