I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
