Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
