Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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