I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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