i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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