I'm really into asian looking animals
is wine microwaveable?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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