I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I AM VODKA MAN
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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