I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just google imaged poop.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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