he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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