i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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